Talent : Latent yet Blatant…

This day evoked mixed emotions in my mind… I spent almost the whole day searching for questions rather than answers… Sounds interesting no? That’s how sometimes a scribe is forced to think… So often you get wild when answers evade you… but a journo gets wild for all the wrong reasons… like I did today… rather this afternoon… I don’t remember what I was doing till afternoon… In fact, it’s a lie… I know exactly what I was doing… Listening to two of the dreariest commentators cursing the Indian batting line-up which collapsed like a pack of cards against the mighty Aussies… A hardcore cricket aficionado is bound to be forlorn whenever India caves in as meekly as they did today… And being one ever since I was born (Pardon me for exaggerating…), suddenly I found myself completely out of sorts… And the post-lunch session (though I relished the yummy dahi thadka rice…) was extremely unsahikkable… (Hold on guys… Don’t run for your dictionaries… it’s a Manglish word – Malayalam plus English… and it means unbearable...)… I was assigned the job of preparing a questionnaire for doing a well known Chennai architect’s story… What a wrong timing! I couldn’t say NO, as I couldn’t say NO… Hope you guys understand… Having sat in front my laptop (even it appeared pissed off with me for the shabby treatment meted out by my great self…) for hours on end, finally I gave up, even as I kept telling myself.. “This is one of those days…”…

As I was running my eyes through some of the mails I received in the afternoon, a blog invitation from one of my Orkut friends caught my attention… As I went through the blog, I was truly amazed at the way she has put her feelings down… The way she described even the minutest details was truly astounding… While reading it, I could visualize each and every thing she mentioned… the crowded Mumbai locals… the chaos… the commotion… the pandemonium… the snobbish ‘first-class’ travelers... I could feel those words she has written… What I found more attractive was the touch of casualness in those words spelt in an SMS style… My first thought, ‘well, she should have used proper spellings…’, immediately gave way to ‘well, that’s the beauty of the entire thing…’

I think I should thank her, for not just giving me a chance to read her piece of mind, but for bringing back some serenity in my mind as well….

She is a true TALENT…. LATENT now, but will be BLATANT pretty soon…

Attitude speaks

After 3 days of unremitting work, peace is back in my life… Past 3 days have been grueling, yet interesting… Last year, I remember, at the same time, things were almost the same… sleepless nights used to wear me out… but the sheer interest in the work that I was doing kept me on the go… Life has always tested me out, that too at times when I was least ready to face a daunting test… I, somehow, managed to sneak through all of them, though not completely unscathed. Experience, they say, teaches you a lot… And they are right… but it’s up to the disciple to decide whether he wants to learn it or not… And I have NEVER been one who would LEARN things teachers teach me… Or else I would have been much happier than what I am today….

Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us. Earl Nightingale

How powerful and true these words are! It’s all about having the right attitude… And mine has always been anything but right… I have, in the past, so often, got into spats with my friends and colleagues, because of attitude problems… Looking back, I shamefully realize, most of the time, the one culpable was me… rather my ego… and the attitude problems arising out of it…. All I can do now is apologize to the wronged…. My apologies to all of them who were at the receiving end…

The habit of reading, despite my deliberate and forceful attempt to effect a revival, still seems to evade me… Though lack of time, a clichéd excuse, is one of the prime reasons which keep me away from books…. Excuses should burnt and ashes buried… it’s time I got back to reading… And that’s the only thing which will make me more opulent in my thinking…

A broken heart and an obdurate mind…

The illimitable elation of finding ‘true love’ early on in my life didn’t last long… as because of some inconceivable reasons, I couldn’t take the most decisive step forward and express the burning feelings within that I had for her… That, I thought, was one of the first miserable failures in my life… I couldn’t conjure up enough gumption to tell someone how much I loved her… how much I wanted her… and how much I would suffer without her… I could feel the desire in her eyes… the warmth in her smile… I knew she was waiting for a word from me… A word of invitation to my life… She was waiting for that exquisite day when we would ‘officially’ be together… But alas! It was not to be…
The eternal optimist that I was, and still am to a certain extent, my hopes continued to soar despite my discernible powerlessness to tell the world I loved this girl, and a life without her was more than nightmarish for me… As days passed by, my hopes, hitherto unwavering, began to flicker and then dwindle… the early signs of a premature death of an immature love… The feelings within began to evanesce… And finally, one day, it was all over… Not a single word exchanged… Not a single tear shed… And, it was all over… Sadly, both of us knew we loved each other… Words were replaced by smiles as means of communication… And our eyes constantly shared our feelings with each other… But words failed us… words failed our ‘silent love’… Tears evaded both of us...May be we were to young and innocent to shed tears when love was lost...forever...
Days, that followed, were hazy and lull… And I was left with a BROKEN HEART… but AN OBDURATE MIND kept me going…

my first 'true' love…

Well, it’s really fun taking a walk back… reliving the lost-forever moments – both convivial and obnoxious… It’s so wonderful… Yesterday, in a rather stodgy Sunday afternoon, I was trying to recollect my past-life… Surprisingly, I realized, what I had been searching for years back, I have not found YET…

My quest for so-called ‘unfeigned love’ eventually came to an end (at least I thought so… I genuinely did…) when I was in the fourth standard… She was a Muslim girl and hence beautiful… For years I believed it’s only Muslim girls who were beautiful… And this perception of mine hung on to me for years as I came across and invariably fell in love with myriad girls at various points of time in my life… And, undoubtedly, majority of girls I fell in love with in the early part of my life were Muslims… further cementing my perception and affection towards them…

I found it extremely difficult to find enough time to behold her guileless countenance as she belonged to 4 A, while I was from 4 B… I began to feel restless as I felt the short intervals in between lectures (two in a day) were getting shorter and shorter… For the first time in my life, I started waiting for exam days… While all my friends would agitatedly flip through lessons to be grasped before the ostracized arrival of the exam day, I would gently sit in a corner of the big classroom and visualise my constant eye-contacts and a rare exchange of smile with my beloved during the exam days… coz that was the only time all fourth standard students would be seated under one roof for the convenience of conducting the exams… And my teachers never knew that it was of much convenience to me rather than anyone else in the universe… How much I was grateful to them...probably they never understood… And, I am sure, they still don’t…

In search of unfeigned love: A ‘child’ish dream

What used to puzzle me a lot as a child was my irrepressible urge to get ‘noticed’ by the opposite sex…. And to me, what was more bamboozling was the fact that such a powerful feeling blossomed in my mind at such an early stage in my life… Those were times when I should have, ideally, been more fascinated about toys, about the incomprehensible mysteries of nature like rains, days, nights and so on… but I was never enraptured by any of those much more complex things which had driven almost all my friends crazy… As they kept chanting about things which dazzled them, I used to wonder, “Why are they not like me?”… In the meanwhile, my attraction towards the young roses around kept growing… I did not know what my quest was for… I did not know when it would bear fruit… Or if at all it would ever… But, I was not the one to give up… While all my friends (rather classmates) were busy dirtying their uniforms on the playing ground, I would quietly stand in a corner and relish the sight of budding beauties, constantly chatting…smiling… laughing… crying…running… dancing… singing… all around me…Those moments, I thought, were the best in my life… How much I used to wait for one glance from one of them? How much I used to cherish the moments when one of them would throw an enigmatic look right at me…. at a time when I would be least expecting it… I started living for such moments and when I would get them would be on cloud nine and when I would not, I would cut a sorry figure…

That was just the beginning… Those early flames never seemed to fade out… Rather, they were getting stronger and stronger as I was growing up… I was still waiting for the right rose… the one with the perfect colour… fragrance… A perfect rose with everything perfect about it… That was my dream and I was ready to wait… Passing time did not bother me much… Coz I WAS IN SEARCH OF UNFEIGNED LOVE… The first and the last true love of my life… That too at an age when I could not even decipher the meaning of love… What more I can say… It was just a CHILDish DREAM…

Of lost values… and the losing immaculacy of thoughts…

Where and when did I lose them? Weren’t they so close to my heart? Didn’t I treasure them so much? I was not born with them; I grew with them… My parents and everyone I knew constantly tried to instill ‘values’ in my vulnerable mind… When adolescence gave way to days of maturity, along with the rhythmic changes in seasons, they hung on to me, vowing not to leave me for the rest of my life… to safeguard me from all the possible evils on earth and beyond… Wasn’t it a lovely gesture? After all, who was I to them? One of their myriad ‘clients’, whom they were destined to serve… May be, they treat all their clients alike… And the love and affection given to me simply reflected their commitment to work…rather than a special treatment meted out to me… may be… yes, may be, it’s so… I was not sure a few years back… And still I am not sure…

It’s such a long story… spanning a lot of eventful moments in my life… It’s such a long story… covering a lot of successes and failures in my life… It’s such a long story… featuring the person I was and I am… Also depicted are a lot of people who have been guests and visitors in my life who cursed me or blessed me before they vanished … I have a lot to say… I have a lot to share… I have to take you through a journey which would excite you…disappoint you… infuriate you…inspire you… …. This is a just a gateway to welcome you aboard and this journey, trust me, is unbelievable… Human mind is the most complicated thing you will ever come across….And this journey will prove to be a testimony to that fact…

Toda...I am ALONE...

TODAY…I AM ALONE

I feel the ache of losing someone precious…
Someone who was so close to my heart….
Someone who came to my barren life unexpectedly….
Someone who lit up the dark quarters of my heart…
Someone who always brought a smile on my face…
Someone who always made my days full of life…
Someone who bestowed me with unconditional love…
Someone who bequeathed me unfeigned compassion…
Someone who was always there for me when I needed…

BUT… today…I AM ALONE…

My life lost its sheen…
My heart lost its cadence…
My mind lost its way…

BECAUSE…today… I AM ALONE…

Questions are aplenty…
But answers are nowhere to be found…
I, like a dead leaf, am moving with the wind…
The wind of time…

Who is there to swab my tears?
Who is there to hold my hand?
When I look around I feel so blue…

I am missing someone’s presence always…
I am missing someone’s smile always…
I am missing someone’s anger always…
I am missing someone’s care always…
I am missing someone’s affection always…

Now I realize life is all about MISSING SOMEONE OR SOMETHING…

But one truth still hurts me…haunts me…
TODAY…I AM ALONE….