A broken heart and an obdurate mind…

The illimitable elation of finding ‘true love’ early on in my life didn’t last long… as because of some inconceivable reasons, I couldn’t take the most decisive step forward and express the burning feelings within that I had for her… That, I thought, was one of the first miserable failures in my life… I couldn’t conjure up enough gumption to tell someone how much I loved her… how much I wanted her… and how much I would suffer without her… I could feel the desire in her eyes… the warmth in her smile… I knew she was waiting for a word from me… A word of invitation to my life… She was waiting for that exquisite day when we would ‘officially’ be together… But alas! It was not to be…
The eternal optimist that I was, and still am to a certain extent, my hopes continued to soar despite my discernible powerlessness to tell the world I loved this girl, and a life without her was more than nightmarish for me… As days passed by, my hopes, hitherto unwavering, began to flicker and then dwindle… the early signs of a premature death of an immature love… The feelings within began to evanesce… And finally, one day, it was all over… Not a single word exchanged… Not a single tear shed… And, it was all over… Sadly, both of us knew we loved each other… Words were replaced by smiles as means of communication… And our eyes constantly shared our feelings with each other… But words failed us… words failed our ‘silent love’… Tears evaded both of us...May be we were to young and innocent to shed tears when love was lost...forever...
Days, that followed, were hazy and lull… And I was left with a BROKEN HEART… but AN OBDURATE MIND kept me going…

my first 'true' love…

Well, it’s really fun taking a walk back… reliving the lost-forever moments – both convivial and obnoxious… It’s so wonderful… Yesterday, in a rather stodgy Sunday afternoon, I was trying to recollect my past-life… Surprisingly, I realized, what I had been searching for years back, I have not found YET…

My quest for so-called ‘unfeigned love’ eventually came to an end (at least I thought so… I genuinely did…) when I was in the fourth standard… She was a Muslim girl and hence beautiful… For years I believed it’s only Muslim girls who were beautiful… And this perception of mine hung on to me for years as I came across and invariably fell in love with myriad girls at various points of time in my life… And, undoubtedly, majority of girls I fell in love with in the early part of my life were Muslims… further cementing my perception and affection towards them…

I found it extremely difficult to find enough time to behold her guileless countenance as she belonged to 4 A, while I was from 4 B… I began to feel restless as I felt the short intervals in between lectures (two in a day) were getting shorter and shorter… For the first time in my life, I started waiting for exam days… While all my friends would agitatedly flip through lessons to be grasped before the ostracized arrival of the exam day, I would gently sit in a corner of the big classroom and visualise my constant eye-contacts and a rare exchange of smile with my beloved during the exam days… coz that was the only time all fourth standard students would be seated under one roof for the convenience of conducting the exams… And my teachers never knew that it was of much convenience to me rather than anyone else in the universe… How much I was grateful to them...probably they never understood… And, I am sure, they still don’t…

In search of unfeigned love: A ‘child’ish dream

What used to puzzle me a lot as a child was my irrepressible urge to get ‘noticed’ by the opposite sex…. And to me, what was more bamboozling was the fact that such a powerful feeling blossomed in my mind at such an early stage in my life… Those were times when I should have, ideally, been more fascinated about toys, about the incomprehensible mysteries of nature like rains, days, nights and so on… but I was never enraptured by any of those much more complex things which had driven almost all my friends crazy… As they kept chanting about things which dazzled them, I used to wonder, “Why are they not like me?”… In the meanwhile, my attraction towards the young roses around kept growing… I did not know what my quest was for… I did not know when it would bear fruit… Or if at all it would ever… But, I was not the one to give up… While all my friends (rather classmates) were busy dirtying their uniforms on the playing ground, I would quietly stand in a corner and relish the sight of budding beauties, constantly chatting…smiling… laughing… crying…running… dancing… singing… all around me…Those moments, I thought, were the best in my life… How much I used to wait for one glance from one of them? How much I used to cherish the moments when one of them would throw an enigmatic look right at me…. at a time when I would be least expecting it… I started living for such moments and when I would get them would be on cloud nine and when I would not, I would cut a sorry figure…

That was just the beginning… Those early flames never seemed to fade out… Rather, they were getting stronger and stronger as I was growing up… I was still waiting for the right rose… the one with the perfect colour… fragrance… A perfect rose with everything perfect about it… That was my dream and I was ready to wait… Passing time did not bother me much… Coz I WAS IN SEARCH OF UNFEIGNED LOVE… The first and the last true love of my life… That too at an age when I could not even decipher the meaning of love… What more I can say… It was just a CHILDish DREAM…

Of lost values… and the losing immaculacy of thoughts…

Where and when did I lose them? Weren’t they so close to my heart? Didn’t I treasure them so much? I was not born with them; I grew with them… My parents and everyone I knew constantly tried to instill ‘values’ in my vulnerable mind… When adolescence gave way to days of maturity, along with the rhythmic changes in seasons, they hung on to me, vowing not to leave me for the rest of my life… to safeguard me from all the possible evils on earth and beyond… Wasn’t it a lovely gesture? After all, who was I to them? One of their myriad ‘clients’, whom they were destined to serve… May be, they treat all their clients alike… And the love and affection given to me simply reflected their commitment to work…rather than a special treatment meted out to me… may be… yes, may be, it’s so… I was not sure a few years back… And still I am not sure…

It’s such a long story… spanning a lot of eventful moments in my life… It’s such a long story… covering a lot of successes and failures in my life… It’s such a long story… featuring the person I was and I am… Also depicted are a lot of people who have been guests and visitors in my life who cursed me or blessed me before they vanished … I have a lot to say… I have a lot to share… I have to take you through a journey which would excite you…disappoint you… infuriate you…inspire you… …. This is a just a gateway to welcome you aboard and this journey, trust me, is unbelievable… Human mind is the most complicated thing you will ever come across….And this journey will prove to be a testimony to that fact…

Toda...I am ALONE...

TODAY…I AM ALONE

I feel the ache of losing someone precious…
Someone who was so close to my heart….
Someone who came to my barren life unexpectedly….
Someone who lit up the dark quarters of my heart…
Someone who always brought a smile on my face…
Someone who always made my days full of life…
Someone who bestowed me with unconditional love…
Someone who bequeathed me unfeigned compassion…
Someone who was always there for me when I needed…

BUT… today…I AM ALONE…

My life lost its sheen…
My heart lost its cadence…
My mind lost its way…

BECAUSE…today… I AM ALONE…

Questions are aplenty…
But answers are nowhere to be found…
I, like a dead leaf, am moving with the wind…
The wind of time…

Who is there to swab my tears?
Who is there to hold my hand?
When I look around I feel so blue…

I am missing someone’s presence always…
I am missing someone’s smile always…
I am missing someone’s anger always…
I am missing someone’s care always…
I am missing someone’s affection always…

Now I realize life is all about MISSING SOMEONE OR SOMETHING…

But one truth still hurts me…haunts me…
TODAY…I AM ALONE….

Of madness...

I am a man of metaphors and inscrutable adjectives… Not an introduction I would have dared to scribble a few days ago… But that’s what the latest influential figure in my life keeps reminding me… in moments of unalloyed madness… but always done in good spirits…

Madness… such a wonderful thing… a word created by a powerful assortment of unassuming letters…My obsession with this exquisite thing called madness, though ephemeral, seems to have blossomed out of my unprejudiced observation of myself…and of course, the people around me…Madness is not infirmity by any standards… it’s a state of mind which helps you forget what you are… madness teaches you to float in mid air… tactfully relieving you of all the corporeal pleasures human beings are blessed or cursed with… Madness rides you through paroxysms of ecstasy and abysmal anarchy of despondency…in chorus… That’s the enchanted touch of madness can do to you… You are no more YOU… And the perennial question marks over one’s existence fade out…almost in no time… Let madness, which bothers to pay all of us an unsolicited visit out of the blue, take us all over… coz that’s the only way out to BREAK FREE… Imagine a life without chains attached to your brains and limbs… Those are moments when perceptions no more remain perceptions… Lets all wait earnestly for THE MOMENT OF MADNESS…